Exclusive Interview with Santa Claus -
A Revealing Look at the North Pole Santa Letter Incident that Almost Ruined Christmas
My name is Noel Sommers, and I’ve done hundreds of shocking interviews, but this one takes the cake. I don’t know if Santa Claus had eaten too many of Mrs. Claus’ chocolate chip cookies on this particular night, but he was definitely in a rare talking mood. Maybe it was the three glasses of eggnog he casually sipped during our interview. Maybe he had been reading too many letters to Santa.
Whatever the reason… I could hardly believe my ears at how candid Santa Claus was being. I soon found myself on the receiving end of the blockbuster interview of the century.
Now, normally Santa Claus sticks to clichés and routine answers during an interview. Sort of like a ‘North Pole Politician.’ Throughout history, his mere existence has been shrouded with vague answers to such compelling questions as:
"Is Santa Claus real?"
"Where is Santa Claus right now?"
"How many Santa Letters do you receive each year?"
"Is that story about Rudolph really true?" or
"How do you deliver all of the gifts in just one night?"
He’s definitely done everything in his power to avoid answering that question!
Anyway, you’re going to be stunned as you hear from a very blunt and forthright Santa Claus. Brace yourself for a candid chat with Santa Claus that reveals how a particular Santa Letter incident almost destroyed the very fabric of Christmas!
The following is a short excerpt of my full length interview with Santa Claus at his North Pole cabin.
The wind bellows against the frosty windows as the fireplace crackles. The sweet smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies permeates the room. Santa Claus sits across from me in his favorite plush chair, with his classic Santa hat resting on his brim. As Santa casually sips a mug of frothy eggnog, one would have to look closely to notice Mrs. Claus bustling about in the background.
Noel Sommers: Hello there Santa, I’m Noel.
Santa Claus: Hi Noel! What a pretty name. Is that your real name young lady? (Combing through his white silky beard with his right hand)
Noel Sommers: Thank you... yes, that’s my given name. My mother was a huge fan of Christmas, and you, as well!
Santa Claus: I think we’re going to get along just fine. (Santa bellows his trademark laugh)
Noel Sommers: So Santa Claus, what are your thoughts on Christmas in these modern times?
Santa Claus: I’ll be honest with you, I have mixed feelings. On one hand my job has gotten a whole lot easier. Santa tracker GPS makes global navigation a snap; my blackberry gives me instant updates on toy assembly, Naughty & Nice list names, and my cocoa bean stocks. And my laptop allows me to type up personalized Santa letters much more efficiently…
But, on the other hand, I face the same problems everyone else does with all of this technology. There can be loopholes, and sometimes it can be difficult to make sure all the children "play by the rules."
Noel Sommers: …what do you mean by "play by the rules?"
Santa Claus: Well, kids these days are hip to the new technologies. They’re smart. They’re much smarter today than they were even several years ago.
A child MUST be good all year long to receive a personalized Santa letter and personalized Nice Certificate from me… that’s just the rules. I don’t make the rules, oh wait, yes I do! (Trademark Santa laugh again)
Noel Sommers: …so are you implying that some children are not following the rules you have designed?
Santa Claus: I’ve never really talked about this publicly (Santa leans forward as to tell me a secret)… but to be perfectly honest with you, recently some children have hacked into my computers. They manipulated my data to make it appear as if they have been good, when all along, they’ve been part of the naughty list.
Noel Sommers: My gosh! That is naughty. Did they get away with it?
Santa Claus: Well, luckily Arthur Honeytree (the lead Elf) noticed something funny going on when Timmy Warchickles showed up on this year’s Nice List.
Noel Sommers: Wait a minute. Isn’t little Timmy Warchickles the child that posted your personal phone number on his MySpace.com account to over 73 million people!?!
Santa Claus: (Santa is visibly shaken) Yes… the scoundrel! I had to immediately disconnect my phone. I was getting over 12,000 Santa calls a second! It was quickly resolved thanks to our technical team up here at the North Pole.
The whole incident still shakes me up a bit. Can you imagine, naughty children receiving a precious personalized Santa letter AND a Nice List Certificate? It would’ve been sheer chaos! Things would have never been the same. (Santa shivers)
Noel Sommers: Scary stuff. Christmas would have been a disaster! So the personalized Santa Letter and Nice Certificate system is working now?
Santa Claus: Yes. (sigh) Not only is it working properly, we have redesigned the whole program. I call it the ‘Package from Santa’ Program. It’s a top secret campaign to ensure that all deserving children will receive my handwritten, personalized Santa letter as well as the personalized Nice Certificate. This Christmas, I will let the cat out of the big red bag… uh, so to speak. I assure you… this is BIG!
There’s going to be no doubt about Santa Claus… er, I mean “me.” (Santa smiles)
The “Package from Santa” Program is also being implemented with a more efficient warehousing structure, allowing us to send out additional custom goodies, such as collector tins of reindeer food… that was Rudolph’s idea, bless his heart.
Of course, only well-behaved children get the extra goodies… no cheating this time!
Noel Sommers: This does sound exciting! Tell me more!
Santa Claus: With this new system in place I’ll be able to write a personalized letter from Santa to each and every child. I mean… the good ones of course. Then we’ll have our customized Nice Certificate, a special piece of my magical red suit and a lot more. Each letter from Santa package will be unique and special.
I just love the reactions when well-behaved children get their personalized letter from Santa! And now everybody can be confident that only the deserving kids will get such accolades.
That’s about all I can discuss about the top secret "Package from Santa" program right now…
Noel Sommers: …I understand. (Knowing that Santa Claus has averted answering this question in every interview he has ever done, I try to press my luck…) So, how do you deliver all of the special Christmas gifts in only one night?
Santa Claus: (Santa begins to lift himself out his cozy chair) Noel, I do apologize sweetheart, but it’s time for me to go feed my reindeer. We’ll have to save that question for our next interview. (Santa winks)
- Noel Sommers
"Don't blink... Christmas will be here before you know it!"