A satirical take on one of the recent retail trends...

I'm dreading of a doomed Christmas...


It's that time of the year again. The evenings are drawing in, the leaves become gilded and there's a chill in the morning air. Autumn is coming, and with the autumn come the first signs of Christmas. But recently I've noticed some changes in the presents on sale, no longer do you need to buy your nearest and dearest knitwear or perfumes. Now; in keeping with the uncertain times we're living in; the seasonal offerings have a harder edge. The shops are full of all manner of wind-up radios, torches, multi-tools, and survival kits.

Perhaps it's something to do with a collective underlying sense of insecurity, or perhaps They know something that we don't and are trying to subtly get us to prepare for It (whatever It may be) without creating a panic, or have the retailers done the impossible and found a way of making a profit from the End Of The World? Go boldly into armageddon snuggled in a cosy department store fleece with hope in your heart and a handy multi-tool combined with a pen in your pocket and it'll all be alright when the ravening, desperate, hordes try to raid your allotment; you'll be able to see them off with the tool for removing stones from horses' hooves in your handy pocket knife. As the song goes "It's the End Of The World as we know it... and I feel fine..."

I've got a multi-tool, a proper one made from real metal, that has actually been used for getting me out of a jam in our twee little Wilderness and back to what passes for civilisation. I've got a watch that is as waterproof as a submarine, useful in our English downpours. I've even got the famous Space Pen that can write in a vacuum, underwater, and upside-down at high temperature (What do NASA know that we don't?) though if it's ever used at those extremes I doubt if jotting notes will be a priority! And I'm ready for when the Dinosaur-Killer comet that absolutely won't hit the Earth, no really! appears low in the cobalt evening sky. I'll reach for my cache of of miniature bottles of spirits that I was given last Christmas. Now that's what I call emergency supplies!