Santa Does a Driveby on the Easter Bunny
APP: According to witnesses Santa and the 9 reindeer (Rudolph leading the way) did a drive by this morning around 3am and were successful in taking down the Easter Bunny. "The bunny was doing his usual pre-Easter hiding of eggs and never saw it coming says the Tooth Fairy, who was doing her daily rounds. The alleged weapon of choice was a modified elf designed toy gun found at the scene. Santa yelled "Talk shit now bitch" just before pulling the trigger; witnesses say. Santa was last seen heading North and attempts to have him turn himself in have been unsuccessful. The Police spokeswoman has informed the media that Mrs. Claus has spoken with her husband and her pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Police further say that the attack stems from an argument between the two where the Easter Bunny claimed the he was loved more by kids; the words escalated and the two were physically separated by Cupid. The public is placed on high alert, Santa is believed to be armed and dangerous due to a large toy sack he was carrying in the sleigh. " We don't know how many toy guns he has in his possession, but the sack was pretty large", say the Police.
A few elves wishing to remain anonymous, stated "this feud has been going on for awhile" and they believe Santa snapped from the pressure of being on the "Atkins Diet" for so long. The Cookie Monster being an expert on eating, says "Food deprivation is the number one cause of murder in this country". "There comes a breaking point where the hunger pains become too great and the mind snaps", he continues.
The police do not believe this will end peacefully based on their conversations with Santa but are hoping for the best outcome. "We believe that we will have to use deadly force....that dude is crazy", says Captain Crunch. Mrs. Claus believes this is a clever scheme devised by the originator of both Christmas and Easter. "I think Jesus wants his days back" she stated at the press conference. Jesus who has been outspoken on the over commercialization of these two holidays had no comment.
Tyr Annassassi Reporting